Thursday, August 6, 2009

Give me...

craving soneone to rub my inner sensitivity,
emotional sensitivity.
support my visions, understanding my fears, offer mutual support
its nothing like disclosing thoughts, feelings, and emotions in order to reach an understanding...

Craving mental bliss
let me know im not the only one believing in altruism'
Social Evolution.
How clear is your conscience?
hoping you believe in real romance,
because i do.
Can u engage in different forms of reasoning?
Lets talk Hip-Hop,

Craving physical intimacy from an unselfish lover
erotically stimulating me,
touches in such a sensual manner
Sexual arousal.
Mutual collaberation is whats supposed to happen,
moving in sync.
Undecipherable words,
bringing my body awake,
say my name in your baritone...


Thats my baby's middle name, well its short for Bre'Asia. But Nyia is my EVERYTHING! i do everything for her. i keep my head up because she is constantly watching me. i stay positive so she will want to embody that. I open the door for her, pull out her chair for her, take her to places and teach her to read from a menu, so she wont settle for less and she will know how a man is suppose to treat her. (might sound extra, but thats me!LOL) Im her evening teacher when Mr. Brandt punches out. lol. Im her Maya Angelou when she needs poetic guidance. I work hard because im mommy and daddy. And i want her to know that being a working woman is the way to go. I didnt try to fix my last relationship because she needs to know that she should not tolerate anyone treating her like a doormat. I talk to her like she is my peer instead of her peer bc she doesnt need any sugar coating in this world. I try to not only give her lessons for the present but for the future. My mini me is my EVERYTHING!

May 1, 2009

I knew it was something about this day that would be different from the time i woke up...

....i rose from my bed wondering y i felt empty, looked over to his side of the bed to see him not there. Shower running. I go in the bathroom 2 brush my teeth. No "Good Morning Boo. No pat on the ass. No kiss on the back of my neck. Nothing...

I start preparing breakfast for my household of three. Start packing my daughters bag for her leave to her grandparents house for the weekend while i work.

My mind was heavy, no peace in my house! i need to find out what the hell is going on...

...i race upstairs before i leave to see if he's ok. I ask, "Whats wrong?" He gives me this look like he had a lot on his mind and he was ready to tell me. Long ass pause.... Look down at my watch, running late..."Call me on your break, gotta go"Much to his relief he says ok.

Two hours past, no call, no text, Morse Code, telegram, nothing...

I called him to see what was on his mind... he says that he cant trust me and he wants out of out relationship *instant migraine*

What he wanted to say is he found someone who he can fuck when he wants. What he wanted to say is he cant deal with someone who loves herself more than she loves me. What he wanted to say is im not finished growing up and im not the man u need me to be...

I know these things bc i had to take care of this person and his kids when he had no one else. Who wants a man that cant hold a woman down? My silly ass did it because i KEEP letting my heart make my decisions

(now im crying)

I never imagined Me'Shell N'geocello 's "Fool of Me" would relate so much to me....(SMH)

How can a human let someone start making plans for marriage, home ownership, childbearing, etc. when their mind is somewhere else? how do u have a whole nother relationship for 2 months destroy a 3yr relationship all because your selfish infantlike ass want pussy on your time??

I thought our love was strong enough that he wouldnt blame me for the fact that his job changed his hours and that we didnt spend time...
...but it was strong enough for him to accept the 1 and a half yrs that i had to pay 4 everything bc he was down on his luck
...but it was strong enough that he watched me continue to take the check when went out bc he aint have no dough
....but it was strong enough when he had no full time job and i had enough time to continue to fuck and suck him like a champ (excuse the language, im a good girl.*points to halo*)
...but it was strong enough for him to see me nuture his kids like my own
...but it was strong enough when i allowed excessive hours at my house with him and his XBOX buddies

So for a month, i was in a dark place...
...i know it sounds cliche, but the dark place was cold and lonely. Everytime i thought about him, i felt like i was hearing a peircing scream. Irritating, painfull, and almost begging it to stop. What hurt me the most was that he wasnt hurting at all. He had someone to fall back on. Living it up. lol.

They say its better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I know that's some easy shit to say, but imma try to continue to live by it.

Staying strong...writing this has been helpful.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

myGIFT and myCURSE

Life's lessons developed my tough exterior. Been abandoned by dad at 1yo. Been abandoned by mom at 11yrs old. Nyia's dad abandoned and left me to play both roles. Whats a girl to do? Wipe those tears and keep it moving, right?

Main topic: What about me?

Not looking for sympathy at already a quarter century old.
But now i have a host of family and friends that show me a special kinda support. a kind of support that isnt support at all.

For so many people, i have to be their foundation, or be a root to their tree.i stay out of the limelight and do my job as a friend. i support the leaves and branches. hold the weight of the water for their growth.

They know who to call when they have problems: "Kia, can i borrow something?" "Kia, can u listen to my lenthly story on how i lost my job" "Kia, can u watch my kids while i go to the ER bc RAY RAY whipped my ass again?" "Kia, can i crash at your place for a couple days or YEARS?"

But who do i call when i have problems? who listens to me?
when my issues come, i hear "Dang Kia, u gonna b aight, u so strong!" "Wow Kia, everythings gonna be ok. U been thru so much worse." "OMG Girl! thats a mess, but anyway, lemme tell u what happened to me yesterday..."


.....people think bc im strong, they dont think i need a shoulder to cry on.
Or someone to make me laugh.
Or lend a helping hand.
Or just LISTEN!

H.I.M. *sigh*

He speaks in a different language. Far different than what ive been hearing in the past several years. Kinda makes me that much curious. He doesnt make me feel obligated to him. these days,it seems like men do that without them even noticing. kinda makes me that much more curious. he has such a remarkable emotional and spiritual soul like i have. i thought i was alone with those characteristics. Kinda makes me that much more curious.

Its so much more that a woman can detect about a man within the first 10 minutes of knowing him. we just choose to ignore certain things for the sake of lust or love. For once, im appreciating a person for what he is. Meaning that imma take my time to get to know the "whole" man b4 jumping in2 anything. And even if i wanted to rush..its refreshing that i have a friend that wouldnt allow things to get further because of the respect he has for me and himself.

My relief comes from knowing that he enhances senses that i dulled out for my protection. lets me know that 'everyone isnt the same'. its more than words from him. He shows me. hes the first person i talk 2 in the morning and the last person i talk to at night these days. a beautiful sense of comfort. havent had that when i was in a relationship. (smh)So sad right? but its cool, because the past crafted a much more wiser woman for a deservant man. A man God designed for me. IDK about the future of me and H.I.M. but if we exceed friendship, i would be grateful....

Friday, June 5, 2009

Zest and Enthusiasmmmmm

SOOO, i woke up this morning feeling uber delicious...(LOL), after grieving over my ended relationship a month ago. i had so much energy and motivation. is that a sign that i might b getting over that friggin relationship or a newfound type of energy that only comes once every few months (or years for some folks)?
i was feeling some kinda way!
but positive...

Anger&intolerance R the enemies of correct understandin

They say communication is key...but how far do u go before someone becomes a loose cannon because the person they have to communicate with cant grasp the concept? i mean, acknowledging a problem in the first place is mature, but when u cant get step #2 (talking..) its nuts!
thats why i cant stand to be around folks who are too angry, how can anything be solved when there's a problem?
How can u expect positive results if u cant learn to compromise?
how do u expect to have clarity about a circumstance without a open mind and having so much negativity?