May 1, 2009

I knew it was something about this day that would be different from the time i woke up...


....i rose from my bed wondering y i felt empty, looked over to his side of the bed to see him not there. Shower running. I go in the bathroom 2 brush my teeth. No "Good Morning Boo. No pat on the ass. No kiss on the back of my neck. Nothing...

I start preparing breakfast for my household of three. Start packing my daughters bag for her leave to her grandparents house for the weekend while i work.

My mind was heavy, no peace in my house! i need to find out what the hell is going on...

...i race upstairs before i leave to see if he's ok. I ask, "Whats wrong?" He gives me this look like he had a lot on his mind and he was ready to tell me. Long ass pause.... Look down at my watch, running late..."Call me on your break, gotta go"Much to his relief he says ok.

Two hours past, no call, no text, Morse Code, telegram, nothing...

I called him to see what was on his mind... he says that he cant trust me and he wants out of out relationship *instant migraine*

What he wanted to say is he found someone who he can fuck when he wants. What he wanted to say is he cant deal with someone who loves herself more than she loves me. What he wanted to say is im not finished growing up and im not the man u need me to be...

I know these things bc i had to take care of this person and his kids when he had no one else. Who wants a man that cant hold a woman down? My silly ass did it because i KEEP letting my heart make my decisions

(now im crying)

I never imagined Me'Shell N'geocello 's "Fool of Me" would relate so much to me....(SMH)

How can a human let someone start making plans for marriage, home ownership, childbearing, etc. when their mind is somewhere else? how do u have a whole nother relationship for 2 months destroy a 3yr relationship all because your selfish infantlike ass want pussy on your time??

I thought our love was strong enough that he wouldnt blame me for the fact that his job changed his hours and that we didnt spend time...
...but it was strong enough for him to accept the 1 and a half yrs that i had to pay 4 everything bc he was down on his luck
...but it was strong enough that he watched me continue to take the check when went out bc he aint have no dough
....but it was strong enough when he had no full time job and i had enough time to continue to fuck and suck him like a champ (excuse the language, im a good girl.*points to halo*)
...but it was strong enough for him to see me nuture his kids like my own
...but it was strong enough when i allowed excessive hours at my house with him and his XBOX buddies


So for a month, i was in a dark place...
...i know it sounds cliche, but the dark place was cold and lonely. Everytime i thought about him, i felt like i was hearing a peircing scream. Irritating, painfull, and almost begging it to stop. What hurt me the most was that he wasnt hurting at all. He had someone to fall back on. Living it up. lol.

They say its better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I know that's some easy shit to say, but imma try to continue to live by it.

Staying strong...writing this has been helpful.